I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
should my penis look like a turkey
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
