omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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