I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
