if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
