id be glad to
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
