Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
