Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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