I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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