He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
