Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
