Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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