She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
