My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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