I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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