Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
