cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
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HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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