Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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