Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Everyone says I win the strip club
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
