I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
