I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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