i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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