I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
