I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You've changed since you got that strap on