Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"