im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
