i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
