I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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