Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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