he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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