I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
