I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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