I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
