He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
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The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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