I just saw a hot homeless man
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
