What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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