and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize