I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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