I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
