Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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