I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
