Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
