Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
