so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
