I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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