Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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