dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
