I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
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I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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