that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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