mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
