I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Text me some of your sweat
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
