Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My pussy is not your playground.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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