I CAN MOONWALK!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
