just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
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Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day