I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap