Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
