Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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