The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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