I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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