Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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