jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
