Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
